people don't understand escapism. i don't do it as a refusal to live, i do it so that i can continue to live. i build little niches of my own and other people's fantasies because if i didn't i'd have no reason not to jump into the river and try and see if my body could float down to the missisipi and into the green waters where i swam as a child. my life sucks. everyone's life sucks. i do not deal with this by sharing my sorrow with others except as a last resort. that would be selfish. why should i make the people i love feel upset as well when i can make all of us feel better by making us all pay attention to something beautiful, fun, or funny for awhile? i cannot see that my life could ever be better because after my miserable job was over i went and put on normal, cheap, socially acceptable but utterly unthrilling clothing, pretended not to care that my hair was a mess and went to go share a drink with some stupid rednecks until their bad jokes became funny? instead, i dedicate my life to becoming as much like a dream as i can be... for two or three hours a day in a good week or the same amount per bad week, i can steal some moments from a perfect life, seeming to be someone from a story, and of course i'll grab that! why wouldn't i? i have chosen to live as ambassadrix to the dream world, and that ideal is worth the hardships of not always having money or the hassle of fixing my hair and putting on lipstick, of eating nothing but raumen noodles for a week. it's worth people laughing when i used antique but beautiful words. and you know what? when people stare at me, they aren't staring out of strangeness all the time. sometimes i see in their eyes that they want to know my secrets or at least to see what kind of underthings go with my strange clothing... you know the look i mean, i think. sometimes lust and sometimes covetousness.

i'm sleepy, and i went shopping today in actual stores, which always kind of mildly shocks and depresses me... there are many nifty things in actual stores as opposed to virtual ones, such as the ability to smell scented things before you buy them or cute checkout girls to schmooze if not flirt with and the way you can look through the clearance bins and browse in bookshops and find something unexpected. and i like crowds... people who know me are more likely to think i'm a freak but strangers always seem to smile at me and treat me nicely...