grrrrrrr.............

i feel whiny, moody, and self indulgent. largely, i would like someone to be happy with me, maybe to spoil me a bit, but all my efforts in this seem to be meeting with idiotic reasons for no one to notice i'm trying to be extra worthy of affection, so i am being ignored, which makes me pissy. that and the fact that i have a cough, and my ear is still all full of fluid, and neither one of them has any reason to be happening. i've started cleaning my ears more often, i don't go to the bakery anymore and breathe big lungfuls of flour and crap, my lungs should stop whining. i woke up promisingly enough the day before yesterday, and alex was really sweet to me when i fell asleep, but no one bothered to tell me they all wanted to game AGAIN that day, right after gaming the day before. now, to be honest, any group of people larger than about two or three that i have to interact with socially for more than a few seconds each is not.... well, it can be fun, but it's not easy. it's work. i can feel all of this stuff from them and all this pressure to be this or that, and i just ended up doing that twice in one day the day before, and even if i had been warned more than ten bloody minutes ahead of time, i wouldn't be wild about doing it. and by the time someone bothered to call me to tell me of this brilliant plan, i'd just spent several hours bleaching and cleaning my kitchen and almost thrown up, i was wearing not a whole hell of a lot, and my hair and body was an unholy mess. and then i made homeade pizza, because i thought it would be really nice for the person i loved to come home and find something hot and yummy waiting for him, and to see that i'd cleaned up, and yes, i was hoping he wouldn't come home at four in the fucking morning half drunk and not even notice i'd done anything til noon the next morning, which i don't think is too fucking much to ask!

basically, i just want someone to cuddle me and be sweet to me, just because. just for a little while. and i'm not the whiny, needy annoying type about it, but since the human race is too stupid to listen to anything but out and out whining stupid neediness, which i refuse to put on other people because it's rude, clutching onto someone and making them feel obligated to do something they don't want to do, besides which, it screws up the whole point, which is that i want to earn love, to have someone do nice things like this simply because they like doing them, like making me happy, and i can't get that because only whiny little baby birds who can't chew their own food ever get cared for in this world... to be honest i think that truly, completely helpless people are irritating and pathetic, and can't see why anyone would like them. for example, chii is a mentally retarded person who can't put on her own clothes or even talk when we meet her, and i don't really understand why anyone would fetsihize chii, because that to me would be not only a bit creepy, but incredibly annoying. i don't want to have to be like that just so someone will care about me and help me. because i can't imagine that anyone would want to. i never want to hear someone sigh or see them roll their eyes because they're thinking what a pain i am because i need something from them they have neither the time nor the inclination to give, because that's pretty heartbreaking if you ask me. and so when i don't get anyone to be nice to me by sending glaringly obvious signals and being extra nice to them, i get pissy. this is what's known as a defense mechanism, kids. actually, most of my pissiness results from being misunderstood about something i'm saying that is so fucking obvious and clear to me, but people around me are too stupid to understand. it's very frustrating, because i don't associate with stupid people, so that leads me to believe that the only reason they're doing something like this is because they don't want to know, don't want to understand, or are not paying attention to the world around them, and i consider willful ignorance or pandering to such much more serious a crime than just not having the intellectual capacity to understand something. if that were the case, than it wouldn't be your fault. but why anyone would intentionally dull any intelligence they have on purpose is beyond me, and seeing people do it makes me want to napalm large portions of the world.

so yes, i don't want to be a bother. i never want to bother anyone. i routinely don't do things i want to do or don't ask for things i want because it's too much trouble for the other person. this is called being polite. it's similar to being treated to dinner and not being an asshole and ordering the most expensive thing on the menu or doing your best not to make a mess while in someone else's house. if you do things like that, other people will stop being your friend because you are an impolite bastard who routinely takes advantage of their good graces. however, it's also good manners to offer to share your thin mint girlscout cookies when you're woofing them down in front of a guest, even if you'd really rather have them all to yourself, and even if your friend is not so gauche as to take one without asking. most people enjoy delicious chocolate cookies, so when eating them in front of someone, you assume they're seeing them and thinking "i would like a cookie, too." and so you say "would you like a cookie? help yourself." it's not fucking rocket science, people!

might be craving sweets... kept wanting to write about icecream and girlscout cookies and things... am i premenstrual or is this just because for two years now i've been eating a lot of them and have suddenly mostly gone cold turkey? i should go to the bakery and buy myself a big bag of chocolate chip cookies. or buy the stuff to make my own... when i get paid. if i have the money, which is doubtful.

well... at least i am going to go get liquored up with price and kadi and her lot this weekend in the twin cities... maybe there will be some dashing young thing in a labcoat there who will take me away from all this. probably into a padded cell, but a girl can dream.