Submitted by Nonperishable on Fri, 06/26/2009 - 04:25
It has come apparent to me that no matter what I do I will always be unwanted. When people meet me they think I am someone they would like to get to know better, so what changes? Am I really that vile of a person?
I don't know what I do wrong, yet it seems that I always mess something up. I have no friends. At least not any that want to spend time with me. I don't get invited to go places. When I ask people to spend time with me they always come up with some excuse. Maybe I take things too personally, maybe they really are busy. The only thing that is certain is I have to make the effort to get people to even remember that I exist.
I wish things were easier. I wish I could flip a switch and suddenly be the person everyone wants to be around. I wish I wasn't such a failure. I wish I could disappear. I wish I had enough courage to let people know how I feel. I wish I had the courage to end things, but I am a coward. I won't even try to cover it up anymore. I am the biggest coward I know. I wish I could hurt people. I wish it didn't make me sick to my stomach to think of all the people I've hurt in my life. I wish I could say things without worrying how it affects others. I wish I was capable of being as heartless as everyone seems to think I am. I wish I could be as heartless as everyone else. I wish it were possible.
Why am I even here? Why haven't I escaped? I wish someone felt the way I do, just so I could have someone to relate to. Someone that understands how I feel. It won't happen. No one likes me, I know this. No one cares what I have to say, I know this as well. But if I keep it inside any longer I will take those pills, I will end it. I will hurt everyone I have been trying so hard to not hurt.
I'm sorry.
Hello, my name is Alex I am
Hello, my name is Alex I am the webmaster for SU. While I don't know you I would probably like to. If you would like we could connect on IM, email or possibly phone. Just click here to send me a message. *hugs*
Don't think you're alone in
Don't think you're alone in this; I think everyone goes through it once in a while. If you bury your head in self-loathing then you might just end up trapped that way.
The time in my life when I remember feeling the most like what you've described here was just after I became a mother. My daughter's father was still mostly living the life of a single man while I was always home with the baby. No one wanted to spend any time with me and I had hardly anyone I could relate to.
I'm sure your situation is different than mine. I have a few friends that feel this way at the present time.
Without knowing exactly what's going on on your end, I can only give generic advice:
1 - Try to be patient. Everyone needs their space. It might not even be that everyone is angry with you, and those who are might forgive you with time.
2 - Needing space/time away from a friend =/= hating them or wishing they would die.
3 - Keep your mind busy. When I started having problems with post partum depression, I ended up developing a habit of painting pottery. It was good for me, it helped me relax and focus and I ended up returning to school because of my new-found love for art.
4 - You are responsible for your own happiness. (I actually stole this one from something I received in an email lately) So, don't rely on your friends to make you happy.
* If you see something you don't like, then change it. You mentioned believing you're a coward, well if anyone has a magic 'bravery' button for you, its only you.
Its the same way with anything else you dislike about yourself. - And do keep in mind the self-fulfilling prophesy. If you keep calling yourself a failure, you'll end up believing it. And then how will you ever win?
Then again, this is all my jumping in all over your bidness' so feel free to ignore me. I lost my father to suicide - the exact way you're thinking - and it was real shitty. I'd hate to see anyone get pushed to that.
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